Hello Brothers and Sisters in Yeshua! This is my story…
I am the oldest of 6 children, with 1 brother and 4 sisters. My father was a laborer, and my mother was a teacher. We attended Lutheran churches, and went to Sunday School. I heard Bible stories and the story of Jesus as long as I can remember. I felt at home in church, and liked hearing about God. I remember trying really hard as a child to be good. It was very important to my mother, and therefore to me, to be good!
It was so important to be good, that as I got older, I began to tell lies in order to maintain the appearance of being good. However, my conscience bothered me when I would lie. It didn’t change my behavior, but I knew something wasn’t right. Soon, I no longer enjoyed being in church. It seemed like such a waste of time to listen to the pastor’s and teachers’ messages, but not live my life in accordance with this truth.
While I lived at home with my parents, I began to live a dual life. I was a good girl at home, but I did as I pleased when I wasn’t at home. I did just enough to maintain a fake front of goodness.
I left my home in a small town in Nebraska to go to college in Omaha, the largest city in Nebraska. I chose to go to a Catholic university. I was still interested in the things of God, but still searching. Without my parents watching over me, I decided to “enjoy” the pleasures of college. I kept living a dual life, in a no man’s land of being hungry for God, but living like He didn’t exist.
Soon, I reaped the harvest of my choices. I became pregnant, and had a baby, though I was not married to his father. I am forever grateful for my mother who loved me and my baby. She helped me learn to be a mother, and she and my brother and sisters supported us while I completed my college degree. I graduated in May, 1982.
I found a good job after graduation. Now my son and I were on our own. I found that being a single parent was more difficult than I ever imagined. I kept trying to find a man who would love us, but there was no one. I began to think about God again. I thought if I went to church, maybe I could find God, and He would help me.
It was 2 weeks after I began thinking about going to church…my son and I were home on a Friday night. There was a knock at my apartment door. I opened the door and found a stranger standing there. He looked like a motorcycle gang member, because he was wearing a black leather jacket. I couldn’t understand why I had opened the door, as I was usually very cautious. I stood in between the door and the doorframe and asked him how I could help him.
He said he was in the neighborhood, taking a survey. The man asked me, “If you were to die tonight, why should God let you into His heaven?” I answered, “He shouldn’t let me in…I’m a sinner.” Then, for the next 3 hours, we stood in the doorway talking about Jesus.
The man asked me if I wanted to be born again. I told him I wanted to think about it, as I had made more than one commitment to Christ that had not made any difference in my life. He said he would come back to visit me in one week.
I thought about God over the next week. The message that the man had shared with me seemed true. I wanted to be saved and transformed by God. So when the man came back, he helped me pray and “give my life” to Jesus.
I began to attend a church where the Pastor taught from the Bible. I met people who loved Jesus, and studied the Bible. I began to understand some of the Truth I had heard over the years at a deeper level.
God clearly showed me what my new life in Christ would be like. My car needed 4 new tires, but I only had enough money for one. When the Sears service technician came to give me the total bill, he told me they had put 4 new tires on my car, but there would be no charge! I was stunned…and I thanked God for this miracle!
However, I didn’t believe. I enjoyed the idea of this kind of life in God, but I didn’t believe God would really take me there. And with each succeeding choice I made, the memory of this experience faded.
I also found that I still struggled with the same sins I had before. Now I can see that I had smuggled my sin out with me into the new life I had in the Lord. At the time, I didn’t realize what my true spiritual state was. I went to church regularly, and served where I could. I believed I was growing in the faith, but deep down I knew something wasn’t right. But I kept working and searching for the answers in God as I had defined Him.
After several years, I grew weary of the “Christian” life as I knew it. I stopped going to church…but used pious sounding logic to justify my choice to my Christian friends. I couldn’t admit to myself or to them what my spiritual condition was.
As a new believer, I was cautioned about “backsliding”, that is, returning to the former sinful life. I knew that was something I didn’t want to do, and I believed I never would. But 17 years after God introduced Himself to me, I demonstrated my true spiritual state. I decided to get married. I found a good man, but he did not know God. I continued to rationalize my actions, and to change God into a god that would accept me and my willful, sin-corrupted state.
After the wedding, I realized what my true spiritual state was. I could no longer deceive myself that I was a born again believer. I saw how I treated my husband and my stepchildren, that I was cruel and selfish and arrogant toward them. I knew that there was nothing of God in me or my actions. I really was a wicked stepmother. All the false identity I had put up to myself fell apart as I watched my sinful behavior towards my family.
In 2003, I joined a Christ Life group. Over the next 7 years, I began to STOP HIDING and STOP Defining GOD in my own image. God has been very patient as I worked through my past and present sin. I learned about God’s Eternal Covenant, and what that means for us humans.
In January 2012, I asked God if there was a church I could join and be in fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ.
In February 2012, I was invited by a friend to travel to Israel for 2 weeks. I was thrilled to be invited but 2 obstacles stood in my way. I had no vacation time to use at work, and I would have to use money my husband and I had saved.
God cleared the way for me to go! My boss said, “You can’t miss this trip!”, and allowed me to take unpaid time off. Then my husband agreed that I could use our money to pay for my trip.
The trip to Israel was a blessing beyond my words to describe it. God blessed me by making me a part of a wonderful tour group of brothers and sisters from a fellowship here in Omaha. He allowed me to see the land where His beloved Son lived and ministered, and was crucified for us, and rose from the dead.
Once I returned from Israel, I was invited to attend the FMM pilot group meetings. I have been reading the meditations and spending time with the Lord. I’m living as a soldier going through boot camp, learning to REST in our Lord Yeshua.
Each week John shares the emails received through the FMM web site. I began to keep track of the list of countries where the Lord has raised up FMM family members. I’m really blessed to be the keeper of this list. My original motivation was to satisfy my curiosity about where all the precious family members were located. I am always blessed and in awe of where the Spirit is blowing the message of Yeshua our Messiah! FMM has been contacted by people from 61 countries!
Brothers and Sisters, I’m honored to be a part of the FMM family with you. Because of our Perfect Lord and Savior, Yeshua the Messiah, we are bound together as one, in Him, and with the Father.
As I look back over my life, I am humbled, and I now recognize that Father has been calling, and wooing, and leading me to Himself through all the circumstances of my life. Have you been searching for the Lord? Have you cried out, “Help me Lord”? A wise man shared this with me:
“Yeshua God’s living Word, was always there with you…even when you didn’t know Him…even when you were clueless and forgetful of Him. He has always been there with you…because you had eternally been one of the called and chosen ones. You were always His…so He was always there, protecting, guiding, atoning, interceding and making sure your steps would eventually be guided to the perfect destination Father has ordained and prepared for you…since before the foundation of the world.”
Our God is Perfect, and He will accomplish His will perfectly. Let us rest in Him, and in His Perfect Love, so that His Kingdom can come in us, and to us, and through us.
Shalom!